STREETCHILD WITCHES

Bingo, bango, bongo,
Streetchild witches in the Congo.
Lest with them the streets be filled,
They're confined, maltreated, even killed.
This is ultrawrong, oh.

BENGAL TIGERS

Bengal tigers are rather rare.
They like their meat rather rare.
Human flesh will do.
They've eaten quit a few
And created quite a scare.

TOUGH DECISION?

Is this decision tough?:
Are six kids quite enough?
Do you need a whole lot more?
Can you handle such a chore?
Have you resources quite enough?

CELLO SCROTUM

Real diseases? Be sure to note 'em.
But pay no heed to cello scrotum.
Its symptoms a doc devised,
Knowing that they were lies
Even as she wrote 'em.

Though a hoax was cello scrotum,
If it gets right tough to tote 'em
Because they always itch
And all too often twitch,
Then use her salve to coat 'em.

COLLIE (DOMESTIC)

Some dogs are always jolly.
One of them is the Collie.
You may find as nice a dog,
But looking for a nicer dog
Would, for sure, be folly.

AFRICAN WILD DOG (WILD)

It oft finds food on the Serengeti,
But that food is not spaghetti.
When this dog gives chase
In that grassy place,
It's highly energetic.

BOYS' NAMES

If you want your boy law-abiding tame,
Don't saddle him with an oddball name.
Per my information,
There is a correlation.
At least that's what they claim.

ARCTIC MELTING

Arctic sea lanes will be more passable
And oil and gas exploration more possible
Because of global warming.
And drillers will come swarming
From nations more irascible.

DEBTOR-WINNER

If a debtor wins on a TV show,
Where should or may the money go?
In a case of bankruptcy,
Must it go the trustee?
Or may she give away the dough?

BIZARRE PLANET

They've found a planet right bizarre
That glows red when near its star.
Yet this planet, if you please,
Cools down a thousand degrees
As it cruises from it far.

THREE "FRIENDS"

For causing their "friend" trouble,
They're in a heap of trouble.
If we believe what we're told,
They dumped her in the cold
Out in the weeds and stubble.

BRAVE MAILMAN

A load of mail was saved
'Cause smoke and flames he braved.
This tale is so quotable
'Cause it is so notable
How this guy behaved.

THWARTED GETAWAY

A getaway was their goal,
But 'twas thwarted by a pole.
Handcuffed together, they found it.
Each went his way round it,
And that pole took its toll.

MUTTS SCHUR

At the age of ninety-three,
Living alone was he.
What happened was not funny.
Although the man had money,
Unpaid were his bills utility.

We have to be supposin'
This end he'd not have chosen.
And it's sad to be disclosing
That, bundled in heavy clothing,
On his floor he lay frozen.

PRISON ESCAPEE

Freedom soon grew old,
For he was wet and cold.
Thinking prison he'd prefer,
He found an officer
And his story forthwith told.

MOTHER OF OCTUPLETS

The lady is no quitter.
I'd hate to be her sitter.
She's ensconced in seventh heaven.
The doctors expected only seven,
Not eight babes in her litter.

To hold them she'll have to wait.
For now they incubate.
All of them are breathing,
But they're too young for teething,
And they don't have much weight.

POPULARITY

There isn't much disparity
In identical twins' popularity.
That genetics is of moment
As a popularity component
Therefore seems a verity.

RHYTHM

From brain scans they've learned a lot.
Rhythm newborn babes have got.
It seems to be an innate
And uniquely human trait.
Our closest cousins have it not.

ERMINEGATE

Scandals do proliferate.
Britain now has Erminegate.
Four lords are under investigation
For offering to influence legislation
For folks who'd richly compensate.

House rules should be amended.
Members can't even be suspended.
The outlook is not the best
When punishment can, at best,
Only be pretended.

CLIMATE CHANGE

Scientists have newly found
That, though it can compound,
Climate damage already done
Can never be undone.
(It can't be turned around.)

If carbon emissions could be shut down,
Temperatures would not fall back down --
Certainly not in a biennium
And not even in a millennium.
This should be more widely known.

CATARACT FORECASTER

Medicine is a science that's not exact,
And that applies to cataracts.
Alpha-crystallin is our protector.
For it there is a nascent detector --
A predictor the docs have lacked.

You get some when you are born.
Do to age and materials foreign,
It tends to get diminished.
It never gets replenished.
It may be gone when you're old and worn.

My knowledge is but a smattering.
It's based on light beam scattering.
This laser machine will be treasured.
With it the protein can be measured.
To NASA this is flattering.

GOVERNOR ROD

You'd think he'd attend his trial
And there express denial.
That's the path most trod,
But that's not Governor Rod.
He has a different style.

BERLUSCONI'S GAFFE

Here is the nitty gritty:
Italian women being pretty,
The head of Italy's government
Paid an unwelcome compliment,
Thinking it was witty.

RED FOX (WILD)

Do you know the reason why
The Red Fox is so sly
And doesn't care for beans?
No doubt that's in its genes
Just like its being shy.

BOOK OVERDUE

As Shelly Koontz can attest,
The library can be a pest.
And you know that this is true:
If you've a book that's overdue,
Returning it would be best.

LANDLORD FINED

Owning the flat, he chose to spoil it
By ripping out the toilet
And a duke's mixture
Of other needed fixtures.
Came the fine, he couldn't foil it.

GERMAN SHEPHERD (DOMESTIC)

When blind folks a guide dog need,
They often choose this nifty breed.
And this wolf-like dog right smart
Is often taught the police dog's art
So crime it can help impede.

BEAGLE (DOMESTIC)

A smooth-coated hound is the Beagle.
In its way, it's almost regal.
Though it's cute, it's tough
And not quite small enough
To be snatched up by an eagle.

GREYHOUND (DOMESTIC)

When a Greyhound feels the need,
It can sprint with awesome speed.
It's built for running success
(Small bones and nothing in excess
To hamper or impede).

JACKAL (WILD)

This foxlike critter doesn't mind
Eating what other predators leave behind.
To small prey it will give chase.
It has erect ears and a pointed face,
And a bushy tail on its behind.

YORKSHIRE TERRIER (DOMESTIC)

Sure to set your heart on fire
Is this terrier from Yorkshire.
And I have no doubt
That you will check it out
Before a new pet you acquire.

TIMBER WOLF (WILD)

The husky Timber Wolf
Is also the Gray Wolf.
Lest you somehow forget,
A wolf is not a pet.
But let's call this one Rolf.

POMERANIAN (DOMESTIC)

Long hair almost every place
This dog has except upon its face.
I doubt another has this knack:
See how it uses well its back
As its bushy tail's resting place.

MOPED MAN

These four months he has coped,
Riding 20 thousand miles on his moped.
Through 48 states he's been rollin',
Raising money for a charity in Poland.
To talk with Oprah he has hoped.

Of patience he has lots,
For he can't make twenty knots.
He looks too young to be retired.
You'd think he would be tired,
For he sleeps in parking lots.

SAINT BERNARD (DOMESTIC)

If you have a Saint Bernard
Living right in your back yard,
Then you know you can depend
On this good old family friend
And ever-faithful guard.

POODLE (DOMESTIC)

Standard, miniature or toy,
A Poodle will seldom annoy.
If you like curly, dense hair
And a tail up in the air,
A Poodle can be a joy.

DACHSHUND (DOMESTIC)

What the Dachshund does for sport
It does on legs super-short.
Though its ears droop down,
They let in the sound
When there's a snort.

LABRADOR RETRIEVER (DOMESTIC)

A sturdy, helpful hunting dog
On the lake or in the bog,
With a thick tail and a coat that's short,
It is, according to report,
The most popular purebred dog.

COYOTE (WILD)

Its howls at night are scary.
Not only on the prairie
But also in the East
You'll find this wolf-like beast,
And farmers must be wary.

WEIRD DEFENSE

Some may wonder whence
Came his weird defense.
Not the least bit odd,
To be gifted thus by God
To him makes perfect sense.


.

DINGO (WILD)

Pointed and erect is each ear.
A long, bushy tail brings up the rear.
Reddish brown, it lives down under.
It's wolf-like, and there's no wonder
That in livestock it causes fear.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The lunar year is starting now.
It's the year of the cow.
About her we know at least
She's a trusty, contented beast
With no resemblance to the sow.

CLEANER AIR

Look back thirty years and compare.
Much cleaner is our air.
In a way we are stronger
'Cause we live three years longer,
Five months of that due to air.

BUSHY BROWS

His eyebrows too bushy and too long,
He guessed there'd be nothing wrong
With having them trimmed for charity.
Now that his features have clarity,
He looks handsome, young and strong.

KISSING CAPITAL

When in Guanajuato don't hesitate,
Don't delay and contemplate.
In the capital of kissing,
Even if your teeth are missing,
Go ahead and osculate.

EMINENT DOMAIN

Domain name bought near expiration,
Held two years for maturation
(No need to be in a rush),
Sold back to Library Bush
At seven-thousand-fold inflation!

RESCUE

Rub a dub dub,
Two men in a tub.
Twenty in the crew,
Survivors these two,
And that's the rub.

Twenty-five days their survival chore
Till spotted off the Aussie shore.
Fishers they are from Burma,
Finally back on terra firma
To rest, then fish some more.

RAFFLED HOUSE

When her house she tried to sell,
It didn't sell and didn't sell.
Instead of staying baffled,
Off her house she raffled,
And that worked very well.

HUNGER SUPPRESSION

Hunger is not as well suppressed
By the sex who in skirts are dressed.
No doubt careful planning
Went into the prep and scanning
By which this was assessed.

FUTURE DENTISTRY

Bridges, implants, cantilevers --
Who will need such things clever?
For false teeth the die is cast.
Their demise is coming fast.
With care teeth will last forever.

Losing teeth with advancing age,
A relic of a bygone age!
Replacement teeth, per new wisdom,
Will be grown from teeth of wisdom!
For dentistry a whole new page!

MISSING WOMAN

A missing woman, now we learn,
Was found in the woods near Bern.
On privacy she seems bent
While living in a makeshift tent.
For the cold she shows no concern.

SNACK-SLEEP FACT

It really is a fact:
I love to snack,
And I love to sleep.
But the more I sleep,
The less I snack.

BABU SASSI

Except for those who fly,
No other works so high.
With his crane he teeters
At eight-hundred-nineteen meters
Atop the Burj Dubai.

For now his cab is home.
From it he dosen't roam.
He must like it there a heap,
For he doesn't come down to sleep.
India is his other home.

A man who knows no fear,
He's been up there a year.
His worth is not disputed.
When his wage is computed,
It's a hundred K per year.

BUBBLEDOM

Bush would look much better coming out
If the bubble he'd been without.
Lest our President new
Get trapped in the bubble too,
He'll have to be on the lookout.

PEAKSVIEW PARK HIKE

Just a little warmup hike
With some folks whom I like --
A dozen friends with smiles,
Four short and easy miles,
Which some would rather bike.

'Twas forest all around,
Yet all within our town.
I must say that switchbacks
Our trail did not lack
As we hiked up and down.

SULLY

That planeload of folks were blessed
By having the very best.
He who the captain's hat was wearing
Had for forty years been preparing.
He passed the ultimate test.

METHANE ON MARS

In two thousand three it came.
Its source is now a guessing game.
A major Martian methane belch --
Too much, I guess, for Mars to squelch
And enough to make a mighty flame.

The article has a recommendation
For future Martian exploration:
Since it exists in more than traces,
Check out the methane hot spot places;
See if life is the explanation.

INVISIBILITY

Researchers at Duke have an object
To bend waves around an object
So the object cannot be seen.
Their waves are short, long and between.
They use fiberglass in their project.

THE CAMPBELL KIDS

Only their Nazi names we know.
What the problem is we don't know.
For the hearing we'll have to wait.
Three kids were taken by the state.
Their names aren't the reason, though.

SHATTERED COMMODE

This is just a little ode
About a shattered commode
And a man who had such luck
That he was only struck
By shards from that commode.

With the commode he was done
When he somehow dropped his gun.
It hit the floor and fired.
He might have then expired,
The lucky son of a gun.

The bullet missed the man completely
But destroyed the commode completely.
To him the only harm
Was from shards that pierced his arm,
Which he only reveals discreetly.

Just beyond the wall
In another stall,
A lady was frightened by the noise.
Although she lost her poise,
She wasn't hurt at all.

BANK ERROR

A rather large amount
Appeared in their account.
Changing their affairs,
They made like it was theirs,
Intending to make it count.

They had made a change in venue
When policemen changed their venue.
Someone may go their bail.
If not, they'll remain in jail,
And I hope they like its menu.

What a statement for the wife to make
About their lucky break!
By police the two've been found.
Like her man she's sitting round,
Not knowing 'twas a mistake!

ROB MOOGOB

The ruler of Zimbob
Is the tyrant Rob Moogob.
He's been the ruination
Of that sub-Saharan nation.
He is a real slob.

CELL PHONES

Many drivers now are basking
In confidence in multi-tasking.
On the telephone they are
While driving in their car.
For trouble they are asking.

SMELLISTS

Some folks with nice diplomas
Have listed the world's aromas,
And you can safely bet
They've put them on the Net --
Even Oklahoma's.

Should that be your plan,
Their descriptions you can scan --
And the nasty odors too
(If that appeals to you) --
If you read the language of Japan.

MISSOURI 911

I can't spell the street name I spoke,
So send the ambulance to Oak.
That sweet wife of mine
Was attacked by a swine,
And he gave her a hard poke.

I'll be watching for your smoke
As I'm dragging her to Oak.
If it's not too much trouble,
Please come on the double,
And let's hope she don't croak.

Oak is a fairly short street,
So I'm quite sure we'll meet.
Just cruise up and down,
And I'll be waiting around,
Cooling the heels of my feet.

GREAT DANE (DOMESTIC)

A mighty critter is the Dane --
Much like a horse without a mane.
It would be dreadful were it mean,
But every Dane I've ever seen
Was friendly in the main.

WHERE IS THE LINE?

In our modern society
It's nice that sometimes we
Can share a friendship tender
With one of the other gender
Who wedded to another be.

And a friendship tender
With one of the other gender
Is a real treat
When being sweet
And other traits commend her.

The friendship she shares with him
Enhances her vigor and vim.
She likes it rather much
To be in daily touch,
And problems it tends to dim.

While both the friendship cherish,
Each, more so, his/her marriage.
Now, as ever, platonic,
Their friendship now is chronic
But not to be disparaged.

Their friendship is quite open
As they're ever hoping
To minimize the chances
Of awkward circumstances
With which to be coping.

If it seems they're loping
Down a road that's sloping
Toward the brink of flirtin',
We can be quite certain
That they do no groping.

Though not a rule bender,
Each day of the calendar,
Each finds it's no bother
To be to the other
An e-mail sender.

Good this seems and fine.
But could it undermine?
Before affections wander,
It might be well to ponder
Just where is that line?

To have, says a good friend of mine,
A friend of the other sex is fine.
To him it's quite alright.
And I'm sure he is right --
As long as you don't cross that line.

Of such a story you may know
Where the friendship continued to grow,
And as it took its course,
To each of them came divorce.
Then to team up they weren't slow.

Of these two be selective:
Did their marriages defective
Enhance their tender friendship?
Or was their tender friendship
A marriage-wrecker effective?

If they think it over,
I think they will discover
That, as their friendship progressed,
At some point in tenderness,
That line they crossed over.

BOOZE

According to the news,
Virginians drink a lot of booze --
Twenty-five thou gallons a day.
And Vodka leads the way
In hard stuff that we use.


The Roanoke Times, 12 January 2009:

When it comes to alcohol, vodka is the big seller across the state, but bourbon and whisky have a strong following in Southwest Virginia, a fact some people put down to history and tradition.

The hard data on the hard stuff

"Virginia ABC stores sold about 9.2 million gallons of liquor in fiscal year 2008."

"That's more than a gallon and a half for every person of legal drinking age in the state. That's 795,412,236 shots. That's enough to fill 14 Olympic-size swimming pools and still have enough left over to keep a football team schnockered for a good chunk of the off-season."

"Statewide, vodka is the big seller, with 28 percent of all liquor sales by volume. But around the southwestern part of the state, it's dark spirtis, not clear ones, that rule."

SWEET BRIAR COLLEGE HIKE

On the farm! On the farm!
On the Sweet Briar College farm!
It's a place you have to like,
And when we took our hike,
We truly were a swarm.

And all were quite content
With how the afternoon was spent:
Tramping through the woodlands,
Out across the grasslands,
And to Daisy's monument,

To the unknown workers' burial place,
To the horses' boarding place,
And past the observatory
With an attitude exploratory
At a happy hiking pace.

BISON BULLS

Bulls that like to bellow
Get less action than bulls more mellow.
Bulls that bellow loud and long
Are, in fact, not as strong
And are therefore yellow.

AUSSIE WOMAN

An Aussie woman without much smarts
Burned her hubby's private parts.
Oh my, what a shame!
The house went up in flame;
From injuries the poor man died,
And for murder she will be tried.

WIRE TAPPING

Hiding a recorder in a bear
Isn't really fair.
It tends to be entrapping,
And in fact it's wire tapping.
So there!

INDIAN GIVER

He gave his kidney, not his liver.
But call him an Indian giver.
His wife has left his sack,
And he seeks to get it back.
Of a chance he has no sliver.

PTEROSAURS

A reptile five-hundred-pound
Long ago flew around.
If it had that much paunch,
How did that thing launch?
Its method has now been found.

What did scientists just discover?
A four-legged, jump-frog maneuver.
Only the vampire bat
Does a trick like that
With forelegs as main off-shovers.

It's not the method of a bird.
'Twasn't built like a bird.
'Twas a lot more gross
Than the albatross,
The largest flying bird.

CHEWING GUM MESS

It really is a pity.
It's a mess that isn't pretty.
Have you ever seen em?
How'd you like to clean 'em,
The sidewalks of Mexico City?

'Twould be a task right hard
With seventy blobs per yard.
Perhaps there's some good way.
Surely there's a better way
Chewed gum to discard.

Were you the mover and shaker
Who became the chewing gum maker,
You might think this mess
Is a sure sign of success.
It's three-hundred-thou blobs per acre.

YOUNG DRIVER

A lad of only six
Living somewhere in the sticks,
Not knowing 'twas against the rule,
Drove the car to school
Since no one had said "Nix."

Of driving he was not afraid
'Cause video games he had played.
He made turns right and left
Till but two miles were left
And six miles he had made.

Yet, his skill somewhat lacking,
The road he was poorly tracking.
He crashed and bumped his head.
Good thing he isn't dead.
His skull's too thick for cracking.

His parents, charged with crime,
Will hide the keys next time.
After medics checked him out,
From the clinic he checked out
And got to school about lunch time.

About this boy, folks are talking.
When he goes by, most are gawking.
By the problem unabashed,
As soon as he had crashed,
This lad set out walking!

Cops nabbed his dad and mother.
Still in jail is his mother.
In protective custody
Pending judicial study
Are the boy and his brother.

If your child is rather wild
Or if he is very mild,
Keep you and yours out of jail.
Against all cases, never fail
To protect your grade school child.

ROLAND BURRIS ET. AL.

Rod holds the power to appoint.
Jesse White declined to make it joint.
The Senate has the right to review.
The Court may review their review.
Must the Rod mess be the focal point?

Rod holds the power to appoint.
Jesse White is quite beside the point.
It can hardly be denied
That Burris is qualified.
I say, let him in the joint.

LITTERING

Littering is a problem not yet solved.
What kind of thinking is involved?
I guess there's little doubt,
When their trash they throw out,
Folks think 'twill get dissolved.

INDIA

Delhi, Jaipur and Ranthambhore,
The heart of India we will explore.
Agra, Khajuraho and Veranasi,
Not expecting lodgings classy,
Knowing she has a whole lot more.

GREEN BANK

Will noises shut Green Bank down?
Not if Sizemore tracks 'em down.
These days you can bet
Noise is a serious threat
Fifty miles from a sizable town.

COYOTES

It wasn't always so,
But in Virginia, don't you know,
If you've got calves, sheep or goats,
You've got trouble from coyotes,
And the problem seems to grow.

VOLUNTEERING YOUTH

High school and college youth today,
A volunteering role they proudly play.
More than youth have done before,
Helpful jobs they're volunteering for,
Happy to do them without pay.

And now it seems the case is
That, at some higher learning places,
If beaucoup help's been given,
A full scholarship is given
On that worthy basis.

TWO PRINCIPALS

Two principals whom I knew
Gone in weeks less than two.
Two Jims who now are mort,
A reminder that life is short.
Two friends I admired too.

LECILE HARRIS

At seventy-two this clown is agile,
And, it seems, he's not so fragile.
Recovered from a Brahma throw,
He's back at the rodeo
Where with bulls he loves to hassle.

WVA'S CAPITOL DOORS

The doors have been restored.
Visitors won't be bored.
Twenty feet tall and proper,
The doors are bronze and copper.
To the Capitol they are moored.

COLONDAR

Though unsightly is their scar,
Beautiful these women are.
In their bathing suits,
They are in cohoots
On the Colondar.

Scars they have and can't return 'em,
Scars that run from stem to sternum.
On this calendar nifty,
No one is over fifty.
All have scars and had to earn 'em.

Scarred not only are comely hens,
And Colondar is an honest blend.
(Though it is a pity
That they're not as pretty,
Included are some homely men.)

The purpose of their bareness
Is colon cancer awareness.
This cancer, we are told,
Strikes young as well as old,
Having no regard for fairness.

THE LINEUP

Given a lineup from which to choose,
That lineup I would first peruse.
Then I'd devise a test
So I could pick the best
If they didn't conspire to confuse.

Can you imagine such a scene --
All scrubbed up and clean,
A bevy of beauties
And maidenly cuities --
And how cleverly they preen?!

Their sexy, scant attire
Would set my heart on fire.
Their hair would be perfection,
And to be my selection
Clearly their hearts' desire.

Of course it's not reality.
Such a thing you'll never see.
But it's fun to imagine.
And can you imagine
How happy I would be!

Due to care while in her rooming,
A marvel in her perfect grooming,
Each would be standing in her place,
With a smile on her pretty face.
That much I am assuming.

I'm assuming also that
Their tummies would all be flat,
None would bring a bulging belly
Nor bad breath or B.O. smelly,
Knowing I couldn't cope with that.

And, much too young for wrinkles
Or problems when they tinkle,
They'd be tan and showing wealth
In the form of perfect health
And feeling in the pink, oh.

And all of them well educated,
Which can't be overrated.
On current events none would stumble.
Yet they'd all be humble,
Having erstwhile tables waited.

If the truth would be emergin',
They wouldn't all be virgin
But would be appreciative
And respond in ways creative
If men on them were splurgin'.

In a situation of such favor
With such great girls to savor,
I could harldy lose
However I might choose.
Yet, which one has the best flavor?

Though I'd strive to be fair,
I would proceed with care.
For, as I'm sure you know,
I'd be dying to know
What each gal had to share.

Of course, they'd all be smart.
I know that in my heart.
They'd all have great personalities,
Free of troubling abnormalities.
Hear's how I would start:

Myself I would introduce,
Thinking that to be of use.
I'd ask each gal her name,
And, without a trace of shame,
Her I'd mentally seduce.

And, though it's rather crude,
I'd imagine her in the nude
And how it would be to wake up
To her with messed up make up
Or in a somber mood.

I'd give each one a hug,
Check out her little mug,
And slyly steal a kiss.
If her kiss was purely bliss
And not some kind of ugh,

I would whisper in the ear
Of that kissable little dear,
And her boobs I'd surely heed.
If they appeared to meet my need,
I'd take a gander at her rear.

If her buns were not to fat,
I'd engage her in chit chat.
I'd ask what she expects.
Then I'd move on to the next
When I'd heard enough on that.

If by my inspection
Two were of perfection,
I'd base my final choice
On sultryness of voice
And clarity of complexion.

By an exercise of will,
The task I would thus fulfill.
And I'd have a lot of fun
Picking out that special one
Who best would fill my bill.

DOC BRIGHAM

Not only skilled in drilling teeth,
Doc had a vision to bequeath.
Skiing was his sport.
His vision was resorts.
Now the ground he lies beneath.