SAFE HAVEN?

Folks not to be commended
Think for them have ended
The jobs of pa and ma
Because of a Nebraska law
With results unintended.

ASSAULT

During his booking at the station,
He worsened his situation
By a noxious gas discharge
While he faced the charge
Of driver intoxication.

To insult adding injury,
Cruz, whose speech was slurry,
Fanned gas in Parsons' direction
Till, in the officer's recollection,
His vision became right blurry.

Since it clearly was his fault,
They charged Cruz with assault
For letting out a wind
Of the most lethal kind,
And they locked him in their vault.

WHAT PRICE?

How much value has it,
A "mortgage-related asset?"
How much should be paid
For an asset much decayed?
This is a bailout facet.

CELL REGRESSION

An item in the news of late
Has implications great.
Scientists, by their finesse,
Have made adult cells regress
To an embryonic state.

FIX THE CAUSE

One of the bailout's flaws:
It doesn't address the cause.
A proper remedy,
It seems to me,
Is more than tape and gauze.

CANCER-DRIVEN DECISION

A doc capable of precision
Was hired for circumcision.
He proved himself a menace
By removing the patient's penis
In a cancer-driven decision.

I wonder in this case,
Why he wanted in the first place,
Forty years after graduation,
A change in configuration.
But that's clearly no disgrace.

WARRANTS

The situation surely warrants
The liberal use of warrants.
If the taxpayers cannot recoup
Once the financiers escape the soup,
That would be abhorrent.

PROPOSAL REQUIRES TRUST

In the bailout proposal extraordinary,
This part I find scary:
This program called a must
Requires total trust
In the Treasury Secretary.

ECONOMIC INTERVENTION

Our advice has always been
Let the market rule the scene
Whatever be the case.
Yet in our own case
We prefer to intervene.

DELINQUENT TAXES

If you own a Snowshoe condo,
This you ought to know:
You need to be alert
Because you can be hurt
By back taxes you may owe.

Sad it is to tell it.
They'll take your flat and sell it,
Taking this action even though
About the problem you may not know
And hence cannot repel it.

It's not that they don't want us
In the County of Pocahontas.
It's just that they use
The county weekly news
As the means to confront us.

RELIGIOSITY

From the evidence I am seeing,
I cannot be agreeing
That religiosity
Is a necessity
For a country's social well being.

PROSTATE CANCER

Die of prostate cancer? Nay!
With yearly DRE and PSA,
It will be early caught.
If so, fear it not.
Good cures exist today.

Perhaps you'll need a biopsy,
Perhaps revealing cells gone flopsy.
Will your doctor earn his wage
Versus the cure rate percentage?
He'll know at your autopsy.

The treatment for me attractive
Is implanted seeds radioactive.
My doc is pretty sure
It is a worthy cure,
But it isn't retroactive.

EYE DROPS

Eye drops I always use.
So many that they confuse.
I put them in each night
So I will not lose my sight
(That would be bad news.)

BULL'S RIDE

Having a problem to address
Absent any duress,
He transported a bull
In his convertible
While it made a great mess.

It was a great sight
As the bull stood upright,
While on down the road
Together they rode,
The bull on the right.

Now a conclusion this brings
To this tale, the strangest of things:
It can't be denied
That on the right side
There was a sag in the springs.

SAGGING PANTS

Around this way you may go
Even though your undies show.
By constitutional guarantee,
In this land you are free
To wear your trousers low.

Those of us who are old
Would rather not this behold.
But although we don't like it
And think you should hike it,
It's not for us to scold.

STRONG HOUSE

Houses were smashed,
And teeth were gnashed.
Yet one house, built real good,
Nevertheless stood
When all by Ike were lashed.

FAILING AND BAILING

Great corporations failing.
Government mightily bailing.
Unprecedented stuff.
Will it be enough?
Or will we be weeping and wailing?

ZANY CHENEY REASONING

I wonder about Dick Cheney.
Might the man be brainy?
After his years of seasoning,
It seems to me his reasoning
Sometimes can be zany.

He's taken the peculiar stance
That he's not of the executive branch,
Nor yet the legislative.
But in his view creative,
He's merely to Congress ranched.

HOT AIR BALLOON RIDE

Should I take a balloon ride?
I cannot quite decide.
This morn long before noon
I spied two big balloons
Floating side-by-side.

Imagine, please, the scene,
All quiet and serene:
Two balloons in the air --
Almost stationair --
Above the pasture green.

"How wonderful!" I cried.
To think it through, I tried.
And, before I knew it,
I reckoned I should do it
Sometime ere I've died.

A LION TO RELY ON

With a lioness as their buddy,
They took refuge from waters muddy.
She "was as calm as a kitten"
While by Ike they were smitten,
And she ate nobody.

CELL PHONES AT SCHOOL

It may be a handy tool,
But don't use your phone at school.
In the school 's circumstance
It is, at best, a nuisance,
And it is against the rule.

GIVE ME A SUBJECT

Give me a good subject,
And once I thereon reflect
And my thoughts collect,
That subject I'll versify,
Knowing that you expect
A poem that will satisfy.

ANNIVERSARIES

Anniversaries and birthdays I have in my book.
Trouble is, I too seldom look.
These dates I'll computerize
And sequentially organize
And do better by hook or by crook.

THE MORNING AFTER THE MMTR

Three runners hard core
Slipped out the door.
Toothy were their smiles.
Fifty were their miles
The day before.

For running equipped
Since no day can be skipped,
Well before daylight
They carried a flashlight,
And nobody tripped.

Stiffer than boards,
They thought of the rewards
To folks who are, you might say,
As crazy as they
That fitness affords.

According to intent,
Six miles they all went
Ere coffee they sipped,
Syrup on waffles they dripped,
And two drove home hell-bent.

You could call them hardy men,
For that they were back then.
And all their buddies knew it.
If any three could do it,
They were Bernie, Dick and Ken.

KEN KARCHER

Ken Karcher used to come to visit,
And I'd like to make this explicit:
He came to run the MMTR
And was, at that, quite a star,
For he had the talent requisite.

The year his age was seventy-one
The Karcher Award by him was won.
By this story please don't be bored,
For those who've won the Karcher Award
In twenty-six years have been but one.

I fondly hope before I'm done
That I'll be the second one.
But let me make this clear:
It get's no easier year-by-year
Now that my age is seventy-one.

Fifty miles is a right long ways,
And farther still it seems these days.
The trail is a happy place,
But it's hard to keep the pace
Long after one's best days.

The cutoffs by margins narrow
I used to make with taxed bone marrow.
At seventy-one it's hard to thrive.
Yet toward this goal still I strive,
And Ken Karcher is my hero.

Considering his knack,
If Ken ever comes back,
When the results have been scored,
An octogenarian award
I'm sure they'll need, Jack.

We exchange e-mails now and then,
Always welcome, no matter when.
And, by the way,
I'm happy to say,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KEN!

JOHN BOYER

He's been in the news before.
Can I versify him once more?
According to rumor,
He teaches geography with humor,
And that's what students love him for.

So the Plaid Avenger
Is geography's messenger
To the largest class
To anywhere amass
To learn the policies of Kissinger.

MATT CASSELL

Tom Brady won't be back,
But of talent there is no lack
In the replacement quarterback.
In his first start since high school,
His game control right on track,
Matt Cassell kept his cool.

The competition best be wary,
For, facing Brett Favre legendary,
Matt threw no Hail Mary.
(Mary was an unneeded lady.)
The Pats' outlook is not scary
Despite the loss of Tom Brady.

While not praising too highly,
Matt's coach was right smiley.
'Well done,' said Coach to Matt, dryly.
And said Matt to Brett Favre,
'I'm grateful to you highly
For doing me this favor.'

EYE-TO-EYE

Perhaps I'll see eye-to-eye
With a sweet girl I'll meet by and by,
And she could become my buddy --
Except she's married to somebody
And so am I.

A CRAFTSMAN'S FALL

An artisan for quality work was known
By everyone in his zone.
He was rightly proud to show it.
How did such a person blow it,
His good rep to pieces blown?

He had a helper he could depend on.
His helper now is gone.
His helper had skills he needed.
These skills his own exceeded.
His commissions have been withdrawn.


A CABINET MAKER DID HIGH QUALITY REMODELING WORK FOR US TWICE AT SNOWSHOE -- AND LOUSY WORK THE THIRD TIME.

CAMPAIGNING AND GOVERNING

Can one rightly be maintaining
That skill displayed in campaigning
Equates to skill in governance?
Lord, please deliver us;
Our patience keeps on draining!

SEXY WOMEN

Sexy women are great to see.
They no longer appeal to he,
I heard one old gent say.
But, as I grow older day by day,
They look better and better to me.

And I'm much less fussy now.
You'll oft hear me say "Wow!"
About a lady up in years
If she's come through those years
Right well somehow.

MEDICAL SESSIONS

As if by stern obsession,
I support the medical profession.
Thankfully, being retired,
I've the time and am not too tired
For my frequent scheduled sessions.

TWO IN A TUB

Rub a dub dub,
Two friends in a tub,
One of them male,
The other female,
Both needing a good scrub.

Together they mean
To get nice and clean.
Each scrubs their friend's thighs,
And meanwhile their happy eyes
Savor what lies between.

LOVING AT THE CROTCH

How many couples German, French or Scotch
Have attained that notable notch
Where when they're love-making
The liberty they are taking
To orally make love at the crotch?

Some are so far above it
That they would never think of it.
Others, in giving it some thought,
Think perhaps they ought
But lack the courage thus to love it.

SUICIDE

You may think it's up to you.
But those who've felt it know it's true
And cannot be denied
That the act of suicide
Is the most selfish thing one can do.

GOOD NIGHT KISS

When you kiss a lady sweet,
Be darn sure your breath is sweet.
Just barely on the first date.
For more it's best to wait.
Know when to quietly retreat.

Sometimes it's best to forsake it,
But if pleasing you can make it,
Then in her favor you will bask.
But never should you ask.
Much better is to just take it.

GNCC RACES

Since nothing was interfering
With our Snowshoe volunteering,
Our total for Fri and Sat
Was fifteen hours of that
In spite of my bad hearing.

The Grand National Cross Country race
Was at Snowshoe taking place.
It involved not any striders,
But beaucoup were the riders
Who filled up every space.

There were multiple races
In two different phases.
The rain, it never fails
To muddy up the trails,
But that slows not the aces.

Vehicles all terrain
Raced Saturday after the rain.
On Sunday the likes
Of motor-driven bikes
Ran the race again.

It was not at all a dud
Though they raced in part in mud.
And I know very well
That whenever the riders fell
It softened somewhat the thud.

The crowd they were expecting
Needed traffic directing.
There was no mountain biking
For those that sport are liking.
From drivers, sixty bucks collecting.

We did Snowshoe the favor
Of handing out the waivers,
And to visitors we gave maps,
Hoping that perhaps
The races they would savor.

Cars, trucks, vans and semis,
So many people -- gals, kids and guys!
They came for a good time,
And almost all the time
We had bright, sunny skies.

They came without cease,
And all signed the release.
And others, too, came through --
Home owners, employees, contractors too,
But not many police.

Kids, amateurs and pros,
The divisions were of those.
More folks, if you're countin'
Than ever on the mountain,
Excepting when it snows.

At fifteen dollars a head,
Viewers two thousand, it was said.
Few shows can match it,
Though we didn't watch it
But helped out instead.

Utility? These noisy rigs have none.
They only exist for fun.
To be deep into this hobby,
You need a high-pay jobby.
It surely costs some mon.

Four racers in it
Started every minute.
Twelve hundred drivers,
All hopefully survivors.
We wondered who would win it.

To go round and round
For ninety minutes all are bound
Or until they droop.
Four miles is the loop.
The way is easily found.

Timing is all automated
So victory can be celibrated.
The weather was inviting;
The races were exciting,
And every heart palpitated.

And Snowshoe threw a fine party
With celebration right hearty
And mutual endearing
With folks volunteering
And a musician, in a way, arty.

EXPANDING REPERTOIRIES

How many couples do it oral?
With variety it's hard to quarrel.
With repertoires expanding,
How many have done it standing?
And how many to their sorrow?

PRIVATE PLACES

I often wonder whether
Most couples shower together
And oft view each other nude,
And how many never are so lewd
As to reveal their delights nether?

How many do naked lap sits?
How many to them are opposites?
How many do the pelvic nuzzle?
How many with a crossword puzzle
Would rather test their wits?

Bare under-cover clinging
Conflicts not with upbringing.
But that's a different matter
Than, soaked with soapy water,
To be nude duet singing.

How many never discover,
Except by feeling under cover,
The secret hidden traces
Of the very private places
Of their own conjugal lover?

(Are you a person somewhat odd
If your loving spouse's bod
These years you've ever known
By feel and touch alone,
So help you, Almighty God?)

These parts, of course, a couple
Need not see to couple.
It doesn't prove their love's been cold
That they conceal them now they're old
And did when young and supple.

Perhaps, intimate though they are,
They wonder would they go too far
And what purpose would it serve
And would it the spouse deserve
Were they different than they are?

As long as they've been together
Joined as if by tether,
Though they used to couple oft,
'Twas never with their sheets off,
Not even in sultry weather.

If they showered in cahoots,
He and his loving toots,
Both in a steamy stall
For two persons quite too small,
They'd be in their swimming suits.

Could be, though, while one is no wise keen,
The other spouse is with envy green.
Or, in fact, they've not been coached
And neither has the subject broached
When peeking through the shower screen.

RAMCHANDRA KATUWAL

Some were large and some were small,
Twenty-five of them in all.
Yet, he didn't get the wearies
From marrying them in series,
Not this citizen of Nepal.

Perhaps he did not enthrall
The ones he can't recall
Or who with lovers ran away
After a brief curtailed stay
With this citizen of Nepal.

Why did so many run away?
What evil got into they?
Did each of them discover
A whole lot better lover?
For us, it's hard to say.

Yet, sharing a blissful life
With hardly any strife
And almost in seventh heaven
At anniversary seven
Are he and his current wife.

He's happy and satisfied
With Sharada at his side.
Since to tango it takes two,
We know she's happy too
To be his blushing bride.

He loves her as he oughta.
She could well be his daughter.
His praises to him she'd sung,
When she married while right young,
And up, it seems, he's brought her.

FAT GENE

Even with the gene for fat,
You don't have to be fat.
It should be no surprise
That the key is exercise --
Three to four hours of that.

INTERCOURSE

It's "communication, relations, or dealings."
It's "interchange, as of thoughts, ideas, or feelings."
Well, of course,
That's social intercourse,
Which is among the dictionary's revealings.

We all know, of course,
There are many kinds of intercourse.
In Pennsylvania it's a town.
Couples do it lying down.
It's a crime when done by force.

There's vaginal and there's anal,
And some folks do it oral.
Avoiding dread diseases,
It's best to do what pleases
And avoid a quarrel.

It's commerce, you will find,
Can be commerce of a special kind,
And, as far as I can tell,
It works about as well
From in front as from behind.

Seeds it serves to sew
And affection also show.
Some find it's a blast
To do it rather fast
While others prefer it slow.

To the best of my knowledge,
It's the same as carnal knowledge.
Most folks for it have yearned.
With ease it can be learned.
(You needn't go to college.)

Intercourse is nothing new.
Other mammals do it too.
But, as their form demands,
The lady meanwhile stands.
(When she's in estrus this they do.)

Mounted on her back,
He cuts her little slack.
When it comes to positions
Favoring amorous dispositions,
Variety they lack.

In the absence of menstruation,
It's a cause for celebration.
When your juices get to flowing
And your partner you are knowing,
It sure beats masturbation.

It's best to first undress
And prepare for a gooey mess.
In the absence of dissension,
Then give your kind attention
To making love with tenderness.

A couple who their duty never shirk
Will never find it to be work
But may start an unfinished picture
Because the manly fixture
Doesn't always work.

It can result from persistence
After initial coy resistance.
Though not always nose-to-nose,
It's always done up close.
(It can't be done at a distance.)

It's done in positions various,
Some of them hilarious
And some a little scary.
Tried and true is missionary.
(It's not at all precarious.)

Some couples intend to osculate
All the while they copulate.
This being their disposition,
A face-to-face position
It tends to necessitate.

As your repertoire's expanding,
Face each other standing.
As a general rule,
You'll need a little stool,
And it is a bit demanding.

If you're afraid you might fall,
Lean up against the wall.
And if the room is cold,
It helps a lot, I'm told,
To use the lady's shawl.

Or try it bending over
While standing in the clover.
You'll know what's best for you
After trying quite a few
And mulling the matter over.

LOVELY LADIES

I don't think it's a practice shady
Or one that leads to hades,
Or that it says so in The Book.
In any case, I love to look
At all the lovely ladies.

LOCAL TALENT

Some people you may know
May have talent you don't know.
And in your community
There is sure to be
More talent than you know.

TWO ELECTIONS

Rancor really did abound
The last election round.
Your friend became your enemy.
This time, it seems to me,
More amicable is the sound.

HORNET HORROR STORY

Before you fry a hornet,
It's best that you not warn it.
The monk set a bad example
By burning down the temple.
Now all his brothers mourn it.

No doubt I should mention
'Twas done in good intention.
About this I have thought
A better method should be taught
At a monks' convention.

PROSTHETIC LEG IMPOUNDED

A criminal confrontation
Yielded bullet penetration.
His problem was compounded
When cops his leg impounded
For forensic investigation.

Chances were right slim
That they'd return his limb.
What course should he pursue?
He proceeded them to sue.
They gave it back to him.

A CROOK NOT CLEVER

Police said they'd never
Seen a crook less clever.
He used a stolen credit card,
But forgery was too hard.
He signed as he had ever.

MCCAIN'S GAME CHANGE

By choosing Palin he abandoned
The readiness theme he'd planned on.
Gambling on a game plan change,
He adopted Obama's theme of change.
Has he here a leg to stand on?

GRANDSON JACKSON SAYS

The future's not ours to see.
Yet it's clear to me
It'll be a bright, sunshiny day.
Surely sports I'll play,
And good things will come to me.

PINK STILETTO SHOE

Sweet Briar has something new.
It's a pink stiletto shoe.
A coaster with four wheels complete,
In Phily it will compete.
How many points will it accrue?

HOPS

A component of beer is hops.
It's one of the Northwest's crops.
Hops are in short supply,
And that's the reason why
They're hard to get in shops.

RAINWATER

The subject of this refrain
Is the water that falls as rain.
It's a very useful wetter.
While some folks use it better,
Most just send it down the drain.

NAMES OF MEDICINES

What is your medicine's name?
As another, is it most the same?
If damage to you were done
'Cause you took that other one,
The likeness you could blame.

FAILED SELF-AMPUTATION

His arm he began to attack,
Intending it to off-hack.
To himself he was a menace
In the restaurant of Dennis,
For it he could not have put back.

TREE LANDING

Though their luck it was pushin',
It was soft as a cushion
When they landed with ease
On the tops of the trees
And rescuers came rushin'.

MADISON

There's not much diversity
In Madison's university.
Conformity has its appeal.
Spirits are on an even keel
In good fortune and adversity.

WHISTLE STOP MONON

I'd like to brag on
Whistle Stop Monon.
While great grub you're downloading,
You savor stuff from railroading,
And corn fields you gaze on.

CORN AND SOYBEANS

I find it extraordinary
And, indeed, it's salutary
That farmers have the gumption
To grow for human consumption
Endless corn on the prairie.

Yet it's not all corn by any means.
There are an awful lot of soybeans.
Fields of each are vast.
Sometimes you see grass
In smaller fields in between.

LOVE, OLD AND NEW

New love is like GREAT JEHOSHAPHAT!
Old love is not at all like that.
It needs to be protected.
So do not be dejected
If it sometimes seems old hat.