ETIQUETTE

If high soci I ever reached,
I'd review what I've been teached.
Goodness knows,
I'd be on my toes
That etiquette not be breached.

WHEEL WEIGHTS

With lead, wheels are weighted.
A material change is slated.
Falling off, some thirteen percent
Put 2K tons in the environment.
So the change is not debated.

BADGERS VS. ZIPS

From high in Land's End's box,
We gazed upon the jocks
And 80K fans, most in red.
"These guys? No sweat they said.
We're sure to clean their clocks."

THE ELEPHANT

Reared in a matriarchal family,
A smart, social critter is he.
Though a book he rarely reads,
His decisions meet his needs,
Which are sex, sustenance and security.


THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC, September 2008

family ties

THE ELEPHANTS OF SAMBURU

"Happy families are all alike, wrote Leo Tolstoy; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. But the great Russian novelist wasn't thinking of elephants, whose familial relationships are complex, various, and fascinating, even amid the relatively happy circumstances of Kenya's samburu National Reserve."

"Finding food, finding water, and finding reproductive oportuinites aren't always simple tasks, but compared with finding security they are relatively straightforward. Real security, lasting security, is more unpredictable and elusive. The local people have a word for it: neebei. Every person wants neebei -- freedom from danger, menace, uncertainty, fear -- and it's not anthropomorphism to say that every elephat does too."

EXTREME DRINKING

Extreme is their drink consumption
As college kids turn twenty-one.
It's not the least bit charming.
In fact, it's quite alarming.
Yet I guess they call it fun.

CHOLITAS

Entering the ring, they unpin their shawl,
Then fight in skirts, petticoats and all.
Bolivian senoritas,
They're known as cholitas.
They say it's quite a brawl.


NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC, September 2008

In the wrestling rings of Bolivia, skirts fly as CHOLITAS FIGHT BACK!

"A fluttering of lacy petitcoats won't ease the sting of the leg drop 'Juanita the Loving One' is poised to inflict on her opponent. The spectacle of native Aymara women in traditional dress-- cholitas -- theatrically mauling each other draws crowds in El Alto, high in the hills above La Pas."

"About seven years ago, when he was fretting about the diminishing audiences for the weekly lucha libre spectacle at the El Alto gym, Mamani had the inspired idea to teach women to wrestle and put them in the ring in cholita clothes."

KING AND NED

Dad's horses were King and Ned.
He kept them healthy and well fed.
His affection for them was warm.
Hardest for him when we left the farm
Was bidding them farewell, he said.

EXCALIBUR XM982

The high-tech Excalibur
Is a weapon of high caliber.
It's a guided artillery shell
That works extremely well.
Some six inches is its caliber.

Homing a target ten miles away,
It strikes within thirty feet, they say.
GPS signal guidance
Accounts for its performance.
Eighty-nine grand per round we pay.

BEIJING OLYMPICS

From everything we hear,
The friendly atmosphere,
Outstanding facilities
And administrative abilities
Offset the polluted atmosphere.

Tranquility was unbroken
As world records were broken
In many diverse contests.
But permitted were no protests,
Not even minor protests token.

MY SKIING STYLE

I've skied fifty years till now
Without ever leaning how.
So I hope you will excuse
The technique that I use.
No one does it wow.

REGISTER AT THE GAME

During your tailgate party
Register according to your party.
It's a scheme to boost registration
Conceived by the concentration
Of some clever county smarty.

WEIGHT MACHINES

During an injury it is great
That we have machines of weight
'Cause fitness loss is less stunning
While, to resume our running,
We're obliged to wait.

HOW MANY HOMES?

None of them is a hutch.
His staff knows in a clutch:
Is it seven or is it four?
Or might they own a score?
Does it matter all that much?

ALABAMA'S WAY

If too much you weigh,
For insurance you must pay.
(If you work for the state,
You'd best control your weight.)
This is Alabama's way.


The News & Advance, 22 August 2008:

obesity

EXTRA POUNDS MEAN EXTRA FEES

"Alabama pushed to third in national obesity rankings by deep-fried Southern favorites, is cracking down on state workers who are too fat."

"The state has given its 37,527 employees a year to start getting fit -- or else they'll pay $25 a month for insurance that otherwise is free."

"Alabama will be the first to charge overweight state workers who don't work on slimming down, while a handful of other states reward employees who adopt healthy behaviors."

TEEN DRIVER TRAINING

There'll be more teen survivors
When we better train teen drivers.
The way they train police
Will make deaths decrease.
We know it delivers.

CONVOLUTED CASE?

Would a parking space have constituted
A campaign gift contributed
If used by a citizen
A rally to attend?
Or is Liberty's case convoluted?

BEDBUGS

In the college dorm
Bedbugs are now the norm.
To visitors you can show 'em.
Once you get to know 'em,
No doubt you will abhor 'em.

FLYING CARS

There have been many tries,
And this is no surprise:
So different are the two
That anyone is clever who
Can build a car that flies.

UGLY WOMEN WANTED

'We need to make it clear
That ugly women are wanted here
And make sure it's understood
That chances are very good
That such an one will find a dear.'

'And we on the Outback Plain
Wish to make this plain
Lest there be a misunderstanding:
We're not at all demanding.
It's OK if they're merely plain.'

----------------------------------------

Ugly gals, if you'll take my advice-a,
Before moving, you had better think twice-a,
For what could be worse
Than to have the sad curse
Of spinsterhood there in Mount Isa?

Jane Siefers

WHERE IS THE LINE?

In our modern society
It's nice that sometimes we
Can share a friendship tender
With one of the other gender
Who wedded to another be.

And a friendship tender
With one of the other gender
Is a real treat
When being sweet
And other traits commend her.

The friendship she shares with him
Enhances her vigor and vim.
She likes it rather much
To be in daily touch,
And problems it tends to dim.

While both the friendship cherish,
Each, more so, his/her marriage.
Now, as ever, platonic,
Their friendship now is chronic
But not to be disparaged.

Their friendship is quite open
As they're ever hoping
To minimize the chances
Of awkward circumstances
With which to be coping.

If it seems they're loping
Down a road that's sloping
Toward the brink of flirtin',
We can be quite certain
That they do no groping.

Though not a rule bender,
Each day of the calendar,
Each finds it's no bother
To be to the other
An e-mail sender.

Good this seems and fine.
But could it undermine?
Before affections wander,
It might be well to ponder
Just where is that line?

GOOD EATS

There are many tasty treats
Where the Chinese buy their meats.
Creepy things that crawl or slither,
Which appealing we don't consider,
To the Chinese are good eats.

THE PROPER THING

'Twas a sudden swing
With a painful sting.
Thus the closeness ends.
Yet we're ever friends.
'Twas the proper thing.

PAY, PICK AND PROPOSE

For paying a six-grand fee,
Seventy women were shown to he.
Nervously she did rejoice
That she was the stranger's choice.
And married they with glee.

(Article: Vietnamese Women Wed Foreigners To Get Families Out of Poverty)

LESS INVASIVE LICENSES

Well, I had no idee --
License photo not stored digitally!
In the mountain state it can be had
By a few folks very mad
About the federal program Real ID.

HEAVAGE

A gal who'd show some cleavage
Needs a bra that has some heavage.
That she can somehow succeed
Without a bra that meets her need
Is quite beyond believage.

BIOINVENTORY IN THE SMOKIES

In the Smokies National Park the story
Is the All Taxa bioinventory.
At 16,000 species and counting,
The evidence is clearly mounting
That biodiversity is its glory.

EMERGING LEADERS WORKSHOP

Nobody will be a flop
Who attended this workshop.
And I won't be surprised
If someday I'm apprised
They all came out on top.

GREETINGS FROM PERU

Our group, here to greet you,
Is up in Machu Picchu.
The finest town I can think of,
It was built by the Incas
In the mountains of Peru.

CHILD LEFT BEHIND

They hurried back to Tel Aviv,
Their child to retrieve.
On travel they were hell-bent,
But it wasn't their intent
The child there to leave.

ZIMBABWE'S NEW DOLLAR

Yes, that's what we're told,
Currency devalued ten billion fold!
It's buying power already smaller,
Zimbabwe's brand new dollar
Is worth ten billion of the old.

VICTORIA'S BLOOMERS

Her underpants of queenly girth
Nine K bucks now are worth.
Wherever she is at,
Victoria would find in that
No cause for any mirth.

MARCELLUS SHALE GAS

Marcellus shale natural gas
(500 trillion cubic feet it may surpass)
And deep well drilling,
Which is not at all appealing,
Are big topics in County Pocahontas.

DRINK EEL

If by the summer's heat
You feel you've been beat,
Much better you will feel
Once you drink some eel.
It really is a treat.

Eel has every vitamin
That is good for men.
So drink a swig of eel
As part of your meal
At least now and then.

TWO-ARM TRANSPLANT

After about
Six years without,
A man who farms
Has new arms.
Happy is he, no doubt.

CHIMNEY FALL

Crickets and jiminey!
Hundred eighty feet down a chimney!
Broke both legs in the fall.
But, since that was all,
She came out swimmingly.

BRUCE IVINS

Army scientist Bruce Ivins
Is no longer among the livin.'
He opted to face suicide
Rather than the charge of homicide
Over anthrax letters given.